Got it.

I think I figured out why I always seem to have moods.  It's pretty elementary, really, and I'm not sure why I hadn't pegged it down before.  That is, pegged it down before six months ago, when I thought of it, but now I'm pretty sure.  As is one of many human flaws, many people feel the compelling need to be progressing in life.  As Mr. Forbes has said, for some reason most Americans would not feel fulfilled by merely living out life subsistance farming, regardless of any physical comfort it might have brought them.  Maybe it's because people need to feel like they matter; maybe, like me, they just need to know that they can change.  But in any case, every aspect of my life seems to revolve around the battle between laziness and wanting to progress.  One of my great accomplishments, I feel, has been becoming physically stronger; I'm not sure why, but it fulfills me.  Except I do know why.  I remember when I was weaker and through sheer willpower and desire I became stronger.  Physically of course.  And that's why I feel proud of that and not of things like my grades; I had to change to accomplish it.

Like my obsession with videogames for example.  More often than not, I steer toward games wherein the player may get stronger over time: gain levels, get improvements, etc., and I've mostly steered away from games in which, after the game is over, there is nothing to show for it; the character just starts at the beginning with no knowledge of ever having gotten stronger.  It also explains why I might favor them over socializing or reading or doing homework.  While some of it is that there is an inherent risk of not enjoying the latter activities, there is also no way to tell of any personal change after it is all over with.  It is rather a gradual change, one which does not seem to satisfy.  However, after much thought I've decided that perhaps a long term plan might not be so bad.  Thus, I've begun reading again, albeit slowly.

Tyler Durden of Fight Club once said that self-improvement is masturbation.  To which I respond; what the fuck's wrong with masturbation?

Edit: try not to read into that last part too much.  It's meant to be a metaphor.  Pervert.

Edit 2: Because. http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20040814

Update

Got the little bastard.  With a leftover job application, even.  Guess it's good that I didn't get accepted there.

Spider in my room

There's a spider in my room.  It's pretty big, so it's not hard to spot as it crawls from piece of furniture to piece of furniture.  It's pretty infuriating, really.  Every time I get close to splattling it, it crawls out of reach behind some misscelaneous something.  And I know I'll be thinking about it as I go to sleep.  What's it waiting for?  Why is it there?  Is it plotting against me, waiting for the embrace of nocturnae to lower my gaurd.  Maybe it's its mere presense which is my bane; it could have shown up only to induce paranoia  Maybe it's an omen to make me think of something other than what harm could befall me; a warning.  Is it a messenger of what's to come?

I should stop leaving food in my room.

So guess what

I'm gonna go see a therapist.  It's weird, for the longest time I thought that I was too smart for one, and now I'm opting to do this.  I dunno, in a way it feels like giving up, that I'm admitting I'm not in control of everything, but who am I to say I can do things better than someone who specializes in this sort of thing?  Besides, I don't really have anything to lose.

I have been worrying about lots of things that have sort of been adding up.  The thought that I might not be the genius I thought I was, the insecurity that no one cares about me, the growing fear that I can't make new friends because of some inherent flaw, and the anxiety of college that will possibly confirm all of these notions.  If I can get rid of even one of these problems, it'll be worth it, so hey, what the hell.

There are even perks.  If I don't solve anything, I can blame it on the therapist, displacing all my issues, and if the therapist is a girl, I can act out my favorite scene in Donnie Darko.  Okay, second favorite.  Anyway, wish me luck.

Still sick